With a Little Help From My Friends

A month ago I was having a tough time  (as my last post was quick to point out). I spoke with my wife, who spoke with some of our friends, and together thet helped me see that people do enjoy speaking with me. I have friends that enjoy me for me. I have a support network.

So I'm doing better now. Why a blog post? Several reasons. One is family. The second is talking a bit about support networks. So we'll start with family.

I've always had a skewed perception of family. My mom was the middle child of 8 siblings, and a black sheep. I grew up seeing us not included in a rather large family, and thought nothing of it. That is, until I got older and saw how other families were. I'm not talking about sitcoms or "Leave it to Beaver". I'm talking families being there for each other and supportive. Granted my childhood was not anything close to ordinary (this may be a post in the future. I'm unsure how I want to discuss this still), but there's still so much of this family thing I missed. It wasn't until recently that I even realized how much I was missing out on.

We moved in September pretty far from our familys. We hadn't seen our families since. A few weeks ago we went back home for a friend's wedding and stayed with my wife's parents. We had some downtime between the ceremony and the reception, so we figured while we were 15 minutes away, we'd go say hi to my parents. I walked in the front door, and my little brother was there.

Let's pause here a moment.

 My brother is a racist little shit. I haven't spoken with him in two years because I didn't want to deal with his disgusting opinions in my life. It was a hard decision, given our history together. It was for the best, even though it was something that truly upset my mom.

Ok, unpause.

So my brother whom I hadn't spoken with in two years is sitting in front of me. I choose to be a bigger person and say "hey, how's it goin'". Nothing special, just acknowledging him so I can go about my visit. He locked eyes with me a few seconds, scoffs, then pulled his hat over his eyes and reclined in the chair. I ignored it, went about saying hi to my dad (my mom was grocery shopping) and left. I was only there about 5 minutes. And it felt way worse than it should have.

So we head to the reception, ready to eat food we didn't pay for, try to catch up with a couple friends, and generally be miserable because we both hate weddings. Just as we pulled into the parking lot, I got a text from my brother.

I didn't know how to react, especially considering I already had to go and pretend to enjoy myself at a wedding reception. Now I had to pretend that nothing was bothering me.

It did not work that well. I immediately blurted out to one of my friends what had happened.

Then when I told my mom, she said she was staying out of it and it was between us. Very motherly advice (/sarcasm)

But the same friends that helped me through my previous slump helped me again. One even invited me over to play board games, so I went to get out of my in-law's house for a bit (my wife was out for the night with her mom, anyways). So I enjoyed a good night with good friends.

When I got back to my in-law's around 130, my mother in-law was still awake. We never really talked that much (see: my skewed perception of family), but I knew she had been making an effort to make me feel more comfortable. My wife had taken the time to explain to her why I was so weird around family, and she was beginning to understand. I walked in, and just started talking to her, getting things off my chest. She listened and gave input where she felt it necessary.

She acted like a mother.

When we finished, I gave her perhaps the first genuine hug I had ever given her, thanked her, and said "I love you" to her for what I believe was the first time (first time I meant it, for sure). My wife told me later I had made her mom cry with that moment. 

I have a skewed perception of family, but it's getting better. Friends help.

Which brings me to the primary reason I wanted to write this today: friends.

We all have friends, and have had friends our whole lives. Some stay with us through the years, others do not. We are constantly evaluating and reevaluating our lives, so it is necessary to cut ties with some. On the other side, others enter our lives. Obviously there are stages of friendship, and I am admittedly awful with the boundaries of these stages. 

But I'm saying all this to say that all these friends we have act as our own personal support network. 

I just told you two stories of how I was helped bu friends. There is no harm in admitting it. There is no weakness in accepting help. It took me a long time in my life to discover this. A lot of internalizing, inappropriate venting, and unfortunate situations. But I learned.

There is no strength in keeping problems to yourself when you're hurting. Keeping them internal does more damage, in fact. It weakens you. It takes your focus off getting through it, or even functioning in your everyday.

Find a support network. Use your support network. Accept help from your support network. Don't give your network half the story then say you don't want help. That hurts everyone: you for internalizing and your network because they feel like they can't help their friend. 

Let your friends do their job. That's why you have friends.

I'll say it again.

Accepting help is not weak.